Victim of domestic abuse talks about her experience

As part of 16 Days of Action Against Domestic Abuse we are highlighting the experiences of survivors. Here a survivor from Warwickshire tells her story of being coercively controlled, stalked and harassed.

We were together for quite a few years and I thought we were a happy family. I had no idea I was actually experiencing domestic abuse. Now I realise I was being controlled.

It was a gradual process. To start he would lie about how much he earned which meant I had to pay for everything; food, bills, things for the children.

Now I realise this was a way for him to control me, by ensuring I couldn’t afford to go out and have any level of independence. I was trapped financially; because I had so much financial responsibility I couldn’t make plans to leave him.

He then started gaslighting me and controlling what I could wear and eat, and who I could see.

When he said he wanted to come clothes shopping with me I just thought he was being nice and helpful. I gradually realised he was choosing everything I brought.

It was coercive control brought on by jealousy. He was scared I’d leave him so he made it hard for me to leave. He tried to eliminate the risk of me leaving him.

The strange thing is it didn’t feel like he was trying to control me at the time.

He’d gaslight me by saying things didn’t happen even though they had. He’d be late home from work and when I challenged him he’d say I told you I was going to be late even though he hadn’t.

When I found evidence on his phone that he’d been lying to me he convinced me that I’d made it up.

He was so convincing that I ended up going to the doctors and being put on antipsychotic medication because I came to believe it really was all in my head.

When I challenged him he would say ‘I’m really worried about your health, I think you should go back to the doctors’, and I did.

I used to think domestic abuse was just violence. He never raised a hand to me, he never raised his voice with me, so I really did believe it was all my fault.

I eventually got the support I needed to escape the relationship and move out the house. This is when the post-separation abuse started. He’d be there to swoop in to save the day if I was having a bad time. He came across as helpful but all the time he was just trying to get his foot back in the door.

I realised he hadn't really changed when I found an account for prostitutes on his phone.

One of my friends recommended I used Claire’s Law to find out if he had a history of domestic abuse, and he did. It showed he had a history of stalking, harassment and assault. He was a very dangerous man and one day he may resort to violence with me.

One night he spent hours outside my house and I plucked up the courage to call the police and things really started to ramp up after that.

I lived in Coventry at the time and the officers dealt with him and put in a referral to Coventry Haven and was given a domestic abuse support worker.

I did some research into non-violent domestic abuse and it was then that I realised what I had been subjected to.

The stalking continued and eventually I decided to move to Nuneaton and it stopped for the time being because he didn’t know where I was.

But he was persistent, and he eventually found me. I saw him driving past one day as I was walking to the shops.

He found out where I lived and one night he climbed over the fence to get into my garden and the police came out with the dogs to search for him. They found him and he was arrested, charged and remanded.

My support worker recommended I keep a diary of all the incidents of stalking and harassment and this proved pivotal in helping to convict him; it was the main piece of evidence. If anyone else is being subjected to this type of behaviour I would definitely recommend keeping a diary.

The legal process is not easy and at time I felt like giving up but I didn’t and it was absolutely worth it.

The one piece of advice I would give to any other victims is ‘don’t give up’. He spent years tearing down my confidence bit by bit. Now I’m finally in control of my own life again; I have autonomy again over my own body, what I wear and who I see. Don’t give up.

The abuser was jailed for 40 months and given a lifetime restraining order against the victim.

 

Posted by SC, Corporate Communications